The Dandy Dilemma: How to Dress When You Have Horns

Dressing well is an art, a science, and, in my case, a logistical nightmare. While many concern themselves with the nuances of lapel width or pocket square etiquette, I face a more fundamental question: How does one put on a sweater without becoming entangled in one’s own anatomy? The answer, I have found, is a combination of patience, strategic arm positioning, and occasionally, a very expensive tailor who no longer asks questions.

Hats are, of course, out of the question. Turtlenecks, once thought impossible, have been modified with hidden zippers. Scarves? Only if I wish to simulate the feel of a noose. Yet, despite these challenges, I persist—because a well-dressed gazelle does not compromise. Instead, he adapts. He evolves. And he avoids low-hanging chandeliers at all costs.