The Perils of Overconfidence in Elevator Etiquette

Elevators are, at their core, an experiment in controlled awkwardness. A group of individuals, herded into a confined space, each pretending that the others do not exist. The only acceptable behaviors include staring at the door, pretending to check one’s phone, or subtly recalculating the physics of personal space.

Yet, overconfidence in one’s elevator etiquette can be disastrous. Pressing the “close door” button with too much vigor makes one appear authoritarian; pressing it too little suggests passivity. Standing too close? A crime. Too far? Suspicious. As a gazelle of grace and composure, I often take a leadership role in this delicate ballet. But even I am not immune to disaster. Just last week, I nodded at another passenger—a grievous breach of protocol. They nodded back. We were trapped in an escalating spiral of mutual acknowledgment. I will never recover.